Beyond 30: The Next Chapters

Words are as much part of me as the name I carry. So, why is it then that I am having such a difficult time conjuring them? Real talk: I've been working on my blog all day trying to figure out what it is that I wanted to talk about. It's usually the case that throughout the week, I'll jot down ideas for things that might be worth discussing or somehow relay what's going on in my days as it relates to my list. Originally, my topic for this week was going to be on love and identity. But it's just not coming to me, which is more frustrating than you can imagine.  From a very early age, words came naturally to me. I was speaking, reading, and writing earlier than my peers and always had an easy grasp of language. The same couldn't be said for other things like math and science (which is largely why I had to have a tutor for every part of my education) but writing was always easy. Especially in the academic setting, I always relished having the option for an...

As I'm sure you've noticed, this blog is late. Not insanely late by any means but later than I'd like because keeping on track is integral to my overall success. But it's important to note that there's a very good explanation for that: chemical burn to my eye. Now, I know what you're thinking: OMG WHAT EVEN HAPPENED? HOW? WHY? HOW? All of those are very, very good questions, my friends! And I'm here to tell you the story.  Let me set the scene for you... It is early afternoon this past Saturday and I am getting ready to leave the house. My sister’s twins’ birthday is today and we (being myself, Mom, sister, and the kiddos) are taking them to the “Bounce House”—colloquially but appropriately named (e.g. not the businesses' actual name). It is a place of torture and hell where tiny humans run around causing chaos and the only saving grace for adults is beer, wine, and over priced carb ridden food. Though in sticking to my keto diet, I did not par...

In the early mornings, when my limbs are heavy with sleep, it is often the case that my sweet, stinky, adorable dog sits up in bed and puts a paw on my arm, rousing me from slumber to say "Mom, get upppppp. I'm hungry".  Morning Snuggles It used to be the case that I would get up with her and just start the day because by nature I am a morning person. Lately, however, I've just been crawling back into the warmth of a cozy, dog hair covered bed for another couple of hours because while I could have gone to sleep at a reasonable hour, I've been opting to stay up until two AM binge watching YouTube videos instead.  This is one of the many symptoms of depression. Sometimes, I get so caught up in my head that leaving the cycle of self-inflicted mental abuse is impossible. But on days like today, when the skies are clear and my dog looks at me with unconditional love and adoration, I find the strength to get out of bed and push on.  Little steps, my f...

Yesterday was my birthday. I wish I could say that I was excited about the prospect of turning another year older, alight with the possibility of opportunity. But really? It went something like this: "Oh, god. Another year older. Fuck me. Is there any coffee ready? Do I have to put on real pants? Maybe I should shower at some point. Nah. Dry shampoo for the win." Really, I just wanted to lay in bed and watch Netflix all day. But, if I am anything, it is blessed with an abundant amount of friends and family to cheer me up especially when I feel as though I don't deserve it. That's the thing about depression. Rationally, I am fully aware that all of the things I am thinking about myself and about my life are the result of some kind of imbalance in my brain, that which renders me incapable of making sound decisions or doing anything productive. It's almost as if I'm in a kind of fog, navigating through the haze with the knowledge that yes, I am heading in so...

About two months ago, fresh on the heels of a huge, life altering decision (which later proved to be a disaster; more on that later), I had this harebrained idea to complete a bucket list of sorts. This list would be thirty things that I wanted to accomplish or do before my thirtieth birthday, on January 6th, 2019. One year of tasks, centered around the idea that capping off my twenties with experiences and challenges would set the tone for my thirties moving forward.  At the time, it felt like a way to capitalize on the momentum I'd gained from moving thirteen hundred miles away from home, a feat which made me feel brave, and cool, and unstuck from a self imposed limbo--a cavernous bubble of loneliness and disappointment in my personal and professional accomplishments up to this point in my life. I wanted more for myself. If you'd asked me a decade ago where I thought I would be by now, this wouldn't be it. I wanted to see the world and meet people and have unique exper...