Week Nine: Blame it on the Virus

If you've missed that I've been down and out with a seasonal cold, well, I have. And it sucks. Usually my colds last for two to three days tops but today marks day number six. Think: body aches, congestion, sneezing, runny nose, sore throat, coughing. The whole works.

While I'm pleased to say that I'm on the mend, otherwise I wouldn't be expending unnecessary energy writing this weeks blog (and as a sidenote: sorry it's late! Blame the virus, not me), it is still taking it out of me in a big way. As a point of interest, I went to bed last night just shortly after eight PM and will likely be going to bed tonight within the next hour. Today being my first day back at work just wiped me out.

Colds, man.

Leslie gets it

I suppose the upside of all this is that in my sickness and downtime these past five days, I've had plenty of time to think about my life, goals, future. It's no secret that I'm a planner. Sometimes, I plan to have a plan before actually following through with the plan. It's sickeningly (pun intended) type 'A' of me. The point of all this is that in my recent spare hours, I've begun meditating on my long-term goals. Where do I want to be? What do I want to do? What kind of person do I want to become?

Washington felt, and often still feels, like a pit; it's this giant cavernous thing that looks like guilt and carries like a two ton boulder. And though I still bare the weight of that mistake, it has given me some perspective: I am not finished yet. There are things yet to do and people yet to meet and accomplishments yet to be made. One of the things that I've been considering in a moderate sort of way is going back to school. 

Let me give you some background. 

Straight out of high school, I jumped into university for music education and at the time it made perfect sense: I'd been a music student for as long as I could remember and never had ambitions of doing anything else. So, university happened and I spent one whole year wasting a lot of money and time to figure out that I wasn't meant to pursue a career in music. As I'm sure you can imagine, this was something of a huge blow to my ego. Who was I if I weren't a musician? So, following that life-altering realization, I'd spent a few years bumming around Greeley, too wrapped up in my own depression to do anything else. Unsurprisingly, it was during this time that I made a whole lot of personal, professional, and financial mistakes. But what did it matter? I'd resigned myself at that point to a life of mediocrity, insistent that I would never amount to anything else. 

Then my life shifted. In one way or another, and through the love and support of people who actually deserved my time, I managed to break myself out of this depression. Though it did of course take some reflection and humility, I moved back to Loveland with my folks and attempted school once more, this time at a community college. By this point, I was older, wiser, and perhaps better equipped to handle academia. Right? As I'm sure you've guessed by now, that was also a big fat failure. Maybe I just wasn't cut out for school? After taking some time off to regain my intellectual composure, I went back a third time, only to have to drop out due to lack of financial planning. 

And that was three (ish) years ago. 

While I've dabbled in the idea now and again of going back to school for real, I always brushed it aside thinking that I neither have the time nor the resources do to so. It could also be argued that my lack of follow-through with higher education has a lot to do with self-image or lack thereof ("I'll never be as talented or accomplished or smart as my peers, so why bother? They all have degrees and are working in their fields! What's the point?"). 

But what if I did go back? One of my goals for this year is to put four digits in my bank account, which is really the precursor for becoming debt free in the next several years--preferably by thirty five if I can be diligent enough. Though obviously going back to school will put a damper on my financial plans, wouldn't it make sense to take the hit if that means that I'll be able to increase my income in the long run? 

Now, you're surely thinking: "Lindsay, what will you do when you go back to school? What are you going to study?"

Great question, readers! Publishing. 

Since the first time I saw The Devil Wears Prada with Meryl Streep and Anne Hathaway, I've entertained notions of being the Miranda Priestly of publishing. And why not? I have a keen eye for detail, exemplary organization skills, a firm grasp on language, and the ever-present desire to read. And since we're dreaming big here, I've always thought that I would be killer in the role of editor-in-chief--looking fabulous, having people love and fear me. Plus, the idea of getting to read regularly is quite appealing. It sounds perfect, doesn't it? I'd get to live in a big city with an office and stacks of manuscripts on my desk, little sticky notes on said manuscripts with editorial thoughts, corrections, suggestions. 

Ahead of that mountain of a dream though is loads and loads of work. Am I ready to make that kind of commitment? Am I able to do so?

At the end of the day, who knows what will happen? Sure, maybe I'll back to school if I can work on getting my financial ducks in a row. And who cares if I'll be the oldest English major in my classes? Those things are trivial, right? 

I have no answers, as I seldom do. For now, I'll continue focusing on the present task of self-improvement and self care. 

Take care, friends.