Posts

The Compounding Nature of Happiness

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Something occurred to me recently: happiness is a choice.  Though I could certainly offer a thousand or more reasons (excuses) why I've been absent, the truth of the matter is that life happens and along with it, we roll with the punches. Yes, I have been gone and yes, I have been preoccupied with all manner of other things. Such is life. Everyone has a burden to bear and the way that we deal with those struggles is what defines us.  Here's what I can tell you: just like I have always done, I try to make the best of my circumstances. The never-ending journey to self-improvement and choosing to be a better me each day is always on my to-do list. Sometimes, I am not great at it, but I am trying to give myself the grace to be fallible.  Here's one example:  In the fall of 2021, after losing a job that I really loved (or at least thought I did), I made the choice to try something new and pursue a career in writing. Thus far, it hasn't really worked out. Sure, I landed a cou

The Dog Days Are (Almost-Ish) Over

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Strap in! This might be a long one. I promise that if you make it to the end, there is exciting news.  Since our last chat two months ago, a lot has happened and it all started with my absolutely useless immune system. What I originally thought was just allergies actually turned out to be a three-week long severe case of bronchitis and a sinus infection. Talk about a double whammy! Then, as if that weren't enough to deal with, our sweet, dumb, senior dog tore her ACL - well, the doggy equivalent of it anyway. To say that the last six weeks have been uncommonly challening is something of an understatement. We were thankfully fortunate enough to be able to afford her surgery at a staggering cost of $5200 (by which I mean Tom was able to afford it) but we've had to upend our entire lives and routines in a shared effort to take care of her which at times has been draining. Totally worth it. Though I've never so much as entertained the notion of having children, I imagine in som

Hello, 2023!

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Could it be considered ironic that someone who is clinically depressed also considers themselves to be rather optimistic?  It's a new season and I am pleased to say that after a couple of months on a new antidepressant medication, I don't feel like a pile of human garbage all the time! Isn't that keen? As a fairly goal oritented person, I'm also on a mission this year to help destigmatize mental health issues. We'll talk more about that soon. David wants to tell you that your mental health matters # It's no secret that I have had a bit of a tough year. Though in recent months I have certainly been less forthright about my struggles, the lingering silence of my life and career as a (hopefully) blooming writer has also been somewhat of an indication. It's hard to interact with others, whether personally or professionally, when one can barely get through the day. In the last year or so, I have struggled signficantly to feel happy, to feel purpose, to find direc

New Hair, Who Dis?

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Well, hey friends. It's been a little while. T oday, I'd like to talk about boundaries.  Although there are approximately a thousand things that have happened between May and now, most of them aren't worth discussing and some of them are not my story to tell. Here's what I can tell you: after nine solid months of searching, Tom and I found a new home in Loveland; I picked up a 2nd job working from home; two family members have passed away.  To say that the last three months have been indescribably difficult would be an understatement. There have been more times than not when I was barely holding myself together and as a result of such, almost every part of my life has suffered - home, work, and relationships. All of it. Though I'd like to think that as I've gotten older, it has become easier to manage the unexpected, and at times unyielding, trials of being a person, the truth is that sometimes I fall victim to that burden. The overwhelming complexity of life ha

On Feeling Stuck

I feel lost and stuck and don't know what to do.  Here's the truth: I've spent the better part of the last four  five hours trying to get any actual work done without any actual success in doing so. Trapped in limbo between action and inaction, not knowing the outcome of my future leaves me feeling paralyzed to do anything at all. Though I did at least get a few job applications sent in, because money is running out more quickly than I care to admit (color me deeply shamed - I had to borrow money from my mother), every time I open my manuscripts, I just feel overwhelmed by feelings of inadequacy.  What could have possibly made me think that I could write as a career?  I want to believe that I am capable of being successful but the truth is that I don't think I'll ever live up to my own unrealistic expectations about what that means. The life I had envisioned for myself has never once come to fruition. I've always dreamed about living in a beautiful house with a

Slow Down, You're Doing Fine

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"Slow down, you're doing fine. You can't be everything you want to be before your time." A wise woman recently told me that I've spent my entire life looking ahead toward the future instead of living for the moment, the here and now. The present has always felt  unsettling  because who I am now is not who I want to be. "Future Me" is everything I'm not - beautiful, successful, happy; s he is always ten steps ahead of me. Though I certainly have days where I do feel those things, those moments seem to whisk away faster than they arrive, a brief haze of what could have been if things had worked out or if I'd done things differently, or if I'd made different choices.  Failure to live up to my own unrealistic expectations may in fact be the root cause of my troubles.  Perhaps my utter silence on social media has been a sign but I tend to have a "bury my head in the sand" mentality about dealing with difficult or unexpected situations. N

Food Addiction

I think I'm realizing that I have a food addiction.  The process of writing this novel has, at times, been mentally exhausting, emotionally taxing, and just plain difficult. There are days when I'm working on a scene or chapter and it becomes glaringly obvious that the root of all my troubles is food.  Lately, I've been planning my entire day around it. I'll wake up thinking about breakfast and be inwardly preparing for lunch; sometimes, I'll ask Tom six hours ahead of time what he wants for dinner just so I can plan for how much I want to eat and still hopefully be within my food budget. There's even a new app on my phone that helps me track my calorie intake and exercise; and, on the days when I'm actually trying to be intentional about what I'm eating, rather than avoiding the topic entirely, I obsess over documenting every single calorie. This earnest desire to change my life has turned into an obsession.  Early last year, when I began seeing a thera