Week Nineteen: On Wednesdays We Wear Black
I think Wednesdays are my new Sundays. When I started this project, I set out to write every week; and for the longest time, the day I accomplished that task was Sunday. Recently, however, as my social calendar has been unusually full, my weekly blogging has shifted to Wednesdays: by the time Sunday evening rolls around, after an incredibly busy week at work and jam-packed days of friends, outings, and general shenanigans, I am just too pooped to expend the effort at the end of my weekend.
What a beautiful problem to have.
Now, if you'll join me, I'd like to talk about personhood, the merit of self-care, and the importance in choosing things that make you happy.
It shouldn't be a secret by now that when I started doing this #30Before30 project, it was in the vein of ending my twenties with greatness -- an effort of pushing myself to try new things, make memories, and kick off my thirties with a renewed sense of self. And while I'm realizing that with just a few short weeks before the year is half over (WHAT? HOW? WHAT?) and the majority of my short-term goals have been left unaccomplished, one of the underlying, less obvious goals of this project is somewhat firmly accomplished: learning to love myself again.
When I moved back to Colorado from Washington, I was incredibly depressed. Some days I barely had enough energy to get out of bed let alone do anything else. I felt as though I didn't deserve anything. I was just in a constant state of haze; never feeling like doing anything or being anything or being around anyone. Though I've dealt with depression off and on my whole life, and as I'm sure some of you can relate, it felt like an insurmountable hill, a desolate place of complacency and grim acceptance. "This is it. This is my life. It's boring and unremarkable and it's mine. That's all I've got."
But, as time works its magic on all things, so it did on my self-perception. Much like falling in love with someone else, I didn't realize until it happened that I'd fallen in love with myself again. I've been so blissfully happy lately that it never even occurred to me how sad and lonely and desolate I used to be.
This notion was stirred by something a co-worker said to me the other day. We were taking a mental break and chit-chatting in her office (which is a necessary thing in my job) when she said something akin to how much I love the things that I love. If I remember correctly, we were talking about music and how excited I was to join the summer concert band again, to begin playing my oboe which has not been picked up since last year if you can believe it. It kind of reminds me of something an author I'm particularly fond of, John Green, said a number of years ago about how great it is to be "unabashedly enthusiastic about stuff". And that's just the thing: when I was perhaps younger and more heavily rooted in cynicism, I might've thought it was lame to just be invested in stuff, but I don't really think that now. Life is too short to just not spend your time loving all manner of people and things.
Somewhere along the line, between finding my new job, reconnecting with friends here in Colorado, working towards and accomplishing the task of finding a new apartment, I learned to love myself again.
What a feeling it is!
Though we've all had our share of doubts and troubles and difficulties, I can't tell you how happy I am with my life right now. No, it's not perfect, but I've been working on the things that do make me happy: music, my friends, Isabelle. This also brings me to my next point: I think one of the contributing reasons to my overall happiness is taking the time to do the things that make me happy and will continue making me happy in the long run.
Part of self care is knowing what your body, mind, and life need when necessary. I've been working out more, starting to eat better (though I'm still not fully on keto yet! I will be next month when I actually have control over what I'm eating), and spending more time to focus on my finances. It's one teeny, tiny step in a huge, vast array of steps to come, but it's something.
Maybe it's little but I am proud of myself for what I have done so far. Who knows what my life will look like at the end of the year when this project is done? What kind of person will I be? If I'm as happy as I am now, even if I don't cross everything off the list, that'll be okay with me.
So, with all that being said, it's time to start re-focusing on a few things that I have been slacking on: reading twelve new books this year, finishing my book, and posting one picture a week of my life to social media. Of everything on my list, I think these three are the most pressing right meow. Wish me luck!
What a beautiful problem to have.
Now, if you'll join me, I'd like to talk about personhood, the merit of self-care, and the importance in choosing things that make you happy.
It shouldn't be a secret by now that when I started doing this #30Before30 project, it was in the vein of ending my twenties with greatness -- an effort of pushing myself to try new things, make memories, and kick off my thirties with a renewed sense of self. And while I'm realizing that with just a few short weeks before the year is half over (WHAT? HOW? WHAT?) and the majority of my short-term goals have been left unaccomplished, one of the underlying, less obvious goals of this project is somewhat firmly accomplished: learning to love myself again.
When I moved back to Colorado from Washington, I was incredibly depressed. Some days I barely had enough energy to get out of bed let alone do anything else. I felt as though I didn't deserve anything. I was just in a constant state of haze; never feeling like doing anything or being anything or being around anyone. Though I've dealt with depression off and on my whole life, and as I'm sure some of you can relate, it felt like an insurmountable hill, a desolate place of complacency and grim acceptance. "This is it. This is my life. It's boring and unremarkable and it's mine. That's all I've got."
But, as time works its magic on all things, so it did on my self-perception. Much like falling in love with someone else, I didn't realize until it happened that I'd fallen in love with myself again. I've been so blissfully happy lately that it never even occurred to me how sad and lonely and desolate I used to be.
This notion was stirred by something a co-worker said to me the other day. We were taking a mental break and chit-chatting in her office (which is a necessary thing in my job) when she said something akin to how much I love the things that I love. If I remember correctly, we were talking about music and how excited I was to join the summer concert band again, to begin playing my oboe which has not been picked up since last year if you can believe it. It kind of reminds me of something an author I'm particularly fond of, John Green, said a number of years ago about how great it is to be "unabashedly enthusiastic about stuff". And that's just the thing: when I was perhaps younger and more heavily rooted in cynicism, I might've thought it was lame to just be invested in stuff, but I don't really think that now. Life is too short to just not spend your time loving all manner of people and things.
Somewhere along the line, between finding my new job, reconnecting with friends here in Colorado, working towards and accomplishing the task of finding a new apartment, I learned to love myself again.
What a feeling it is!
Though we've all had our share of doubts and troubles and difficulties, I can't tell you how happy I am with my life right now. No, it's not perfect, but I've been working on the things that do make me happy: music, my friends, Isabelle. This also brings me to my next point: I think one of the contributing reasons to my overall happiness is taking the time to do the things that make me happy and will continue making me happy in the long run.
Part of self care is knowing what your body, mind, and life need when necessary. I've been working out more, starting to eat better (though I'm still not fully on keto yet! I will be next month when I actually have control over what I'm eating), and spending more time to focus on my finances. It's one teeny, tiny step in a huge, vast array of steps to come, but it's something.
Maybe it's little but I am proud of myself for what I have done so far. Who knows what my life will look like at the end of the year when this project is done? What kind of person will I be? If I'm as happy as I am now, even if I don't cross everything off the list, that'll be okay with me.
So, with all that being said, it's time to start re-focusing on a few things that I have been slacking on: reading twelve new books this year, finishing my book, and posting one picture a week of my life to social media. Of everything on my list, I think these three are the most pressing right meow. Wish me luck!
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