Week Forty-Eight: What Comes Next
This project is coming to a close. And somehow along the way, among the weeks that I missed, I miscounted. There are actually only three weeks left in the year and unless the calendar miraculously changed, I messed something up there. Oh, well! Perhaps if I'm feeling ambitious enough I'll get around to correcting it.
With so little time left in the year, and quite frankly too much on my plate to even begin to think about trying to cram in the remaining goals into the last bit of time I have, I think it goes without saying that I am stopping myself here. Though, it is worth mentioning that I do plan on finishing out the year by blogging. Writing is a habit that I not only enjoy immensely but doing so has allowed me the emotional and mental space to process my life in a healthy way. No one ever tells you how hard it will all really be when you get older. How much friendships and relationships change, the ways in which hardship change you as a person, and the trials that always feel big in the moment but tiny in retrospect. I don't want to do the thing where I say that this year has been the hardest of my life because the last week excepted (really, it's only been a week! I was diagnosed on Thursday, December 6th), it's probably been one of the best of my life thus far.
At the beginning of this year, of this project, I came into it with the weight of humiliation and self-loathing shaping my actions, my words, my thoughts. A year ago, I was stuck in Seattle desperately trying to convince myself that I could stay if only I found a job, if only I could find some way to pay my bills, if only I could manage to get some resources that would help me out until I was on my feet. If, if, if. But, unsurprisingly, logic won out. And as you all well know, I came back, dragging my proverbial feet back to somewhere I didn't want to with the mantra "you failed" ringing repeatedly in my head.
You know the saying "time heals all wounds"? As cheesy as it is, I'm afraid to tell you that it's very true. This year, I've managed to find a job that I really enjoy with coworkers whose company I really enjoy (Mostly. You get a group of strong women in any close environment and there's bound to be some conflict at some point. It happens), found a roommate whose company I seem to enjoy more and more everyday, and solidified friendships that are the very foundation of my life. Sure, cancer is scary and I'm very nearly on the verge of tears constantly just thinking about the "what if's" of the future, but plus or minus the heartache and headache now and again, this year has been one of the most fulfilling of my life.
I love my life and more importantly I really love myself.
This unfounded optimism is even surprising to me, I of the entropic nature. I've always believed that the universe has no moral compass other than that of its own chaos and wellbeing. The universe does not care for my strife nor for my unrestrained terror at what comes next. But, what I can rely on is the heart of my friends and of my family to guide and center me. In the moments when I am full of doubt and negative self-talk, my friends are there to support me and lift me up. On the days when I need help, my family is there at my side to carry me along.
Love is my center. Love is my foundation. And that will carry me through whatever happens tomorrow or ten years from now.
So, all of that being said, I suppose the next logical question is "What's next"? When Casey Sue and I began planning this project, we also decided on doing a similarly named "40 Before 40" project, too. Same concept, much longer time frame. It stands to reason that of the tasks I missed this year, some of them might make it to the next list. Here's what I have so far in no particular order:
There are obviously quite a number of tasks that I need to figure out still. I've debated adding some of the goals that I didn't accomplish this year to this list but I haven't yet decided if I will go through with that. I'll let the next several weeks decide that as I am going to try an finish this list before the end of the year.
Finally, as I am brain tired from having baked probably close to nine dozen (if not more) cookies today with my Mom, I'll leave you with some small updates. I met with my Oncologist on Wednesday and the bone marrow biopsy confirmed the diagnosis but did indicate that my cancer looks to be pretty aggressive. The serious-heavy-duty-extra-strength chemo treatment starts very soon and I am not even kind of looking forward to it. Minus a touch of minor nausea and the occasional lightheadedness, I am feeling pretty good these days! Thankfully, we caught everything early enough that I haven't experienced any side effects.
And that's all, folks!
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| Ted gets it |
With so little time left in the year, and quite frankly too much on my plate to even begin to think about trying to cram in the remaining goals into the last bit of time I have, I think it goes without saying that I am stopping myself here. Though, it is worth mentioning that I do plan on finishing out the year by blogging. Writing is a habit that I not only enjoy immensely but doing so has allowed me the emotional and mental space to process my life in a healthy way. No one ever tells you how hard it will all really be when you get older. How much friendships and relationships change, the ways in which hardship change you as a person, and the trials that always feel big in the moment but tiny in retrospect. I don't want to do the thing where I say that this year has been the hardest of my life because the last week excepted (really, it's only been a week! I was diagnosed on Thursday, December 6th), it's probably been one of the best of my life thus far.
At the beginning of this year, of this project, I came into it with the weight of humiliation and self-loathing shaping my actions, my words, my thoughts. A year ago, I was stuck in Seattle desperately trying to convince myself that I could stay if only I found a job, if only I could find some way to pay my bills, if only I could manage to get some resources that would help me out until I was on my feet. If, if, if. But, unsurprisingly, logic won out. And as you all well know, I came back, dragging my proverbial feet back to somewhere I didn't want to with the mantra "you failed" ringing repeatedly in my head.
You know the saying "time heals all wounds"? As cheesy as it is, I'm afraid to tell you that it's very true. This year, I've managed to find a job that I really enjoy with coworkers whose company I really enjoy (Mostly. You get a group of strong women in any close environment and there's bound to be some conflict at some point. It happens), found a roommate whose company I seem to enjoy more and more everyday, and solidified friendships that are the very foundation of my life. Sure, cancer is scary and I'm very nearly on the verge of tears constantly just thinking about the "what if's" of the future, but plus or minus the heartache and headache now and again, this year has been one of the most fulfilling of my life.
I love my life and more importantly I really love myself.
This unfounded optimism is even surprising to me, I of the entropic nature. I've always believed that the universe has no moral compass other than that of its own chaos and wellbeing. The universe does not care for my strife nor for my unrestrained terror at what comes next. But, what I can rely on is the heart of my friends and of my family to guide and center me. In the moments when I am full of doubt and negative self-talk, my friends are there to support me and lift me up. On the days when I need help, my family is there at my side to carry me along.
Love is my center. Love is my foundation. And that will carry me through whatever happens tomorrow or ten years from now.
So, all of that being said, I suppose the next logical question is "What's next"? When Casey Sue and I began planning this project, we also decided on doing a similarly named "40 Before 40" project, too. Same concept, much longer time frame. It stands to reason that of the tasks I missed this year, some of them might make it to the next list. Here's what I have so far in no particular order:
- Learn a new language (Russian)
- Buy a house
- Go to Europe
- Get another tattoo
- Buy a new car
- Fly first class
- Become debt free (mortgage withstanding)
- Attending the taping of a TV show
- Attend a music festival
- Get my tubes tied
- Go to Las Vegas
There are obviously quite a number of tasks that I need to figure out still. I've debated adding some of the goals that I didn't accomplish this year to this list but I haven't yet decided if I will go through with that. I'll let the next several weeks decide that as I am going to try an finish this list before the end of the year.
Finally, as I am brain tired from having baked probably close to nine dozen (if not more) cookies today with my Mom, I'll leave you with some small updates. I met with my Oncologist on Wednesday and the bone marrow biopsy confirmed the diagnosis but did indicate that my cancer looks to be pretty aggressive. The serious-heavy-duty-extra-strength chemo treatment starts very soon and I am not even kind of looking forward to it. Minus a touch of minor nausea and the occasional lightheadedness, I am feeling pretty good these days! Thankfully, we caught everything early enough that I haven't experienced any side effects.
And that's all, folks!
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