Slow Down, You're Doing Fine

"Slow down, you're doing fine. You can't be everything you want to be before your time."

A wise woman recently told me that I've spent my entire life looking ahead toward the future instead of living for the moment, the here and now. The present has always felt unsettling because who I am now is not who I want to be. "Future Me" is everything I'm not - beautiful, successful, happy; she is always ten steps ahead of me. Though I certainly have days where I do feel those things, those moments seem to whisk away faster than they arrive, a brief haze of what could have been if things had worked out or if I'd done things differently, or if I'd made different choices. 

Failure to live up to my own unrealistic expectations may in fact be the root cause of my troubles. 

Perhaps my utter silence on social media has been a sign but I tend to have a "bury my head in the sand" mentality about dealing with difficult or unexpected situations. Not quite a month ago, I found out that my financial safety net had disappeared overnight and the harsh reality that I would need to fundamentally alter my "writing full-time lifestyle" on a permanent basis dropped on me. Like a goddamn brick. Living on unemployment benefits, though it gives me a moderate level of embarrassment and shame (which is an entirely different topic), at least gave me the freedom to "work" for myself on my own time, at my own pace, and with my mental, physical, and emotional wellbeing as a focus. 

Having the means to pay my bills while structuring my entire life around my own ambitions and self-care felt like the only good thing I'd ever done; it felt purposeful, meaningful, and right. And then it was all gone. 

Afterward, I spent a straight week just wallowing in self-pity at having to give up my ambitions so soon. Tom's restaurant was just getting ready to open and I felt almost the sting of jealousy that just as his dream was coming to fruition, mine was falling apart. How could I possibly hold down a full-time job, write two manuscripts, focus on my physical health, and take care of Tom all at the same time? The possibility that I could fail at any one, if not all, of those things felt imminent. If I worked full-time and committed to my gym routine, my projects would fall behind and I would disappoint my ghostwriting client. If I stayed on top of work and the manuscripts, then I would be too tired for my gym routine or taking care of Tom. Knowing that he would be working upwards of seventy or eighty hours a week, I promised that I would pick up all of the slack around the house - meal prepping, laundry, housework - because if he was taking care of us financially while I tried to find an actual paying job, then I had to do my part in taking care of him. 

I felt swallowed by uncertainty. 

But then, after my breathing calmed and I had the chance to think things over, I remembered what that wise woman told me about living in the here and now. 

Writing full-time has been the best thing I've probably ever done in my entire life. I never believed in myself enough to pursue this as a career and the notion of losing that opportunity terrified me; but, once I realized that the only person telling me that it was over was me, I knew that things would be okay. Tom had spent more of his free time reassuring me that I could juggle it all. My manuscripts might take longer than I hoped but I still get to write a little bit every day even if it's not as much as I want to. Instead of two years like I'd planned, my weight loss goals might take three years. But that is okay. 

Happiness seems to me a choice to make the best of your circumstances. I can choose to be upset about having to give up my time when I'd rather be writing or I can choose to look forward to the time I do get to write. It's not over. 

I'm still trying to figure things out and job hunting has been dismal at best but if other people can manage it, so can I. Many of the writers I've encountered on social media have reaffirmed that juggling a full-time job and writing projects is tough but doable. I just need to believe in myself enough to do so. 

That's kind of the hard part but I'm going to try. 

Until then, wish me luck on finding the right gig that doesn't make me want to totally lose my brain. Love you all,.