On Feeling Stuck

I feel lost and stuck and don't know what to do. 

Here's the truth: I've spent the better part of the last four five hours trying to get any actual work done without any actual success in doing so. Trapped in limbo between action and inaction, not knowing the outcome of my future leaves me feeling paralyzed to do anything at all. Though I did at least get a few job applications sent in, because money is running out more quickly than I care to admit (color me deeply shamed - I had to borrow money from my mother), every time I open my manuscripts, I just feel overwhelmed by feelings of inadequacy. 

What could have possibly made me think that I could write as a career? 

I want to believe that I am capable of being successful but the truth is that I don't think I'll ever live up to my own unrealistic expectations about what that means. The life I had envisioned for myself has never once come to fruition. I've always dreamed about living in a beautiful house with a handsome husband, working for myself, setting my own schedule as a writer or book editor, and living out my days reading, and drinking coffee, all while fashionably dressed and typing away on a computer. Instead, I live in a crappy house with a handsome boyfriend (who is literally the only thing holding me together lately), and spending what time I have trying to find work for other people, still lounging about in the same pajamas I've been wearing for like three straight days. 

The lack of direction in my youth has turned my life into a series of mistakes, ones that I feel I will never quite overcome. 

All around me, my friends and loved ones are doing great things with their lives - building steady careers, getting married, buying houses. And here I am, thirty-three with barely enough money to cover my own living expenses. I have no education and no career. Shit, lately I've turned into a version of myself that I hate - stoned at 2 o'clock in the afternoon and lounging around the house in the same pajamas I've been wearing for days to play Stardew Valley for four straight hours. The things that I need to do, like put away laundry or mail out thank you cards for the Loveland Concert Band or sew patches on Tom's shirts like he asked me a fucking month ago, sit unfinished for days or weeks at a time. I never want to leave the house or do anything or see anyone. The only thing I want to do is sit around the house and disappear. 

Look, I know that building a career from scratch is a big task. I'm not so disillusioned to believe that choosing this path would be easy or quick but every hour I spend job hunting, trying to find work that is moderately close to what I want to do long term, the laundry list of qualifications becomes a daunting mountain of insurmountable experience. Without a degree, how exactly am I supposed to compete with people who actually went to school to study this art of writing? It's not like I can get any experience editing or copywriting without a degree and unless by some miracle I win the lottery, going back to college will never happen for me. It is literally impossible because I will never be able to afford it. 

Was this path the wrong choice? I love writing. I love it, I love it, I love it. When I'm in a good mood, which lately has been none, words flow out of my hands seamlessly without thought. The process feels natural because it's something I've done my entire life easily. And now, faced with feelings of ineptitude and isolation, I can't help but wonder if I've doomed myself to a life of mediocrity. 

That's enough for today. I find that sometimes the best thing to do when I need to clear my head is write it out and I've done that. My head is empty of whatever errant thoughts were clouding my harsh self-criticism and I need a break. 

Love you. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Compounding Nature of Happiness

Image
Something occurred to me recently: happiness is a choice.  Though I could certainly offer a thousand or more reasons (excuses) why I've been absent, the truth of the matter is that life happens and along with it, we roll with the punches. Yes, I have been gone and yes, I have been preoccupied with all manner of other things. Such is life. Everyone has a burden to bear and the way that we deal with those struggles is what defines us.  Here's what I can tell you: just like I have always done, I try to make the best of my circumstances. The never-ending journey to self-improvement and choosing to be a better me each day is always on my to-do list. Sometimes, I am not great at it, but I am trying to give myself the grace to be fallible.  Here's one example:  In the fall of 2021, after losing a job that I really loved (or at least thought I did), I made the choice to try something new and pursue a career in writing. Thus far, it hasn't really worked out. Sure, I landed a cou
Read more

Week Sixteen: This Just In - I'm An Asshole

You know, up until a couple of hours ago, I was so excited to write about my week today: new haircut, shindig in Denver, finally finding an apartment. But life, on occasion, happens to suck beyond the telling of it and even if I were less upset right meow, I find it doubtful that I'd be able to form my thoughts well enough to tell you about my week. Anger amplifies and focuses emotion. That's where I am right now. It is perhaps a moderately well known fact that my heeler, Isabelle, is something of a handful, by which I mean she is aggressive, territorial, and frankly sometimes a complete dick-bag. When I adopted her a couple of years ago, I knew what I was getting myself into having been privy to her behavioral issues before. As such, I've worked with her a lot to manage some of her behavioral problems and work on getting her more socialized both with other animals and other people. To her credit, she's more or less done quite well in those couple of years. In fact, i
Read more

Week Four: Chemical Burns & Exiting Unemployment

Image
As I'm sure you've noticed, this blog is late. Not insanely late by any means but later than I'd like because keeping on track is integral to my overall success. But it's important to note that there's a very good explanation for that: chemical burn to my eye. Now, I know what you're thinking: OMG WHAT EVEN HAPPENED? HOW? WHY? HOW? All of those are very, very good questions, my friends! And I'm here to tell you the story.  Let me set the scene for you... It is early afternoon this past Saturday and I am getting ready to leave the house. My sister’s twins’ birthday is today and we (being myself, Mom, sister, and the kiddos) are taking them to the “Bounce House”—colloquially but appropriately named (e.g. not the businesses' actual name). It is a place of torture and hell where tiny humans run around causing chaos and the only saving grace for adults is beer, wine, and over priced carb ridden food. Though in sticking to my keto diet, I did not par
Read more