The Dog Days Are (Almost-Ish) Over

Strap in! This might be a long one. I promise that if you make it to the end, there is exciting news. 

Since our last chat two months ago, a lot has happened and it all started with my absolutely useless immune system. What I originally thought was just allergies actually turned out to be a three-week long severe case of bronchitis and a sinus infection. Talk about a double whammy! Then, as if that weren't enough to deal with, our sweet, dumb, senior dog tore her ACL - well, the doggy equivalent of it anyway. To say that the last six weeks have been uncommonly challening is something of an understatement. We were thankfully fortunate enough to be able to afford her surgery at a staggering cost of $5200 (by which I mean Tom was able to afford it) but we've had to upend our entire lives and routines in a shared effort to take care of her which at times has been draining.

Totally worth it.

Though I've never so much as entertained the notion of having children, I imagine in some small way having dogs might come close. Over the last six weeks, Tom and I both have cried countless times, our hearts aching in tandem at watching our sweet "fur-baby" hurting. Every time she whimpered or cried in pain, our hearts broke a little with hers. Some days, it was excrutiating. The good news is that her recovery is going well. Like, really well. So well in fact that our vet is reasonably confident she'll be back to her "old self" by July or August which based on the unpredictable and seemingly unmeasureable pace of time itself is basically tomorrow. 

Dog Tax. Featuring "Donut Head" herself.

So, my life has been a little chaotic. Always seems to happen that way. 

Moving on! 

Part of building this writing career has been finding opportunities to step outside of my comfort zone and learn a level of self-honesty that will ultimately help me toward my goal of being published. To be truthful, I haven't had the time or energy to write lately and in order to help cover the extra expenses with Isabelle's injury, I've been working as much as possible to cover the gap. It feels like I have no free time. Rationally, I know that's untrue. I could spent thirty minutes just doing something each night but I just never feel up to it. Between a constant state of worry about Izzy and wondering how I'll afford our continously increased cost of living, most nights, I stare at the computer screen for ten minutes before giving up and telling myself I'll do work tomorrow. With the obligations of my life stripping my attention away from my projects, it begs the question: am I even cut out for this? 

Please, don't get me wrong: I love to write. Writing for myself and my clients brings me an immeasureable amount of joy but if I can't learn to balance a side-hustle (which actually, unfortunately, pays my bills) and the setbacks life throws at me, do I have a shot at turning this into a career? Though I am grateful to have clients who don't have hard deadlines, I dread letting them down in any way. What if my work isn't up to their standard? If I'm honest with myself, the reality is that just because I love the work, and the idea of making it my career, doesn't mean I have what it takes to be successful. 

I've been given to understand that self-doubt is the cornerstone of writing as a career. Every writer doubts themselves and their work, yes? So then, is my journey normal? Do I perhaps lack that special spark that makes me capable? Are other people just better than I am at navigating hurdles or have my recent troubles been legitimately hard? 

Honestly, I just don't know. 

One of my coworkers at OtterBox is very into astrology and she told me recently that I am a "clear, dead-center Capricorn" because of my insatiable desire to succeed. Though I can't say I share her beliefs, it is true that I've always been the kind of person whose ambitions were bigger than they were. So, tomorrow, when the mood is right and I'm a little less worried about - well, everything - then I will open up one of my projects and do something, whatever that looks like. Maybe I'm using this as a way to hold myself accountable or make the prediction of such a self-fulfilling prophecy but either way, I'm not ready to give up on the idea.

Also, check it out! I did a 5K!

Friends, if you've made it this far, you deserve a gold star. Send me a message and I'll get you one. Here's the news: we're moving to Saint Louis! 

... next year!

Between us, and through no fault of his own, things at my boyfriend's restaurant are not going well. A lot of what's happening is not really my story to tell but I can say it's been a train wreck waiting to happen. Tom's reckless, selfish, narcissistic business partner has spent the entirety of the last year making impulsive and costly mistakes, all of which could have been avoided had Kiel bothered to listen to any of the people around him offering their earnest advice. Suffice to say it's been an ongoing nightmare. Knowing that one way or another, either the restaurant would fold or Tom wouldn't survive Kiel, we both decided that a change of scenery was in order. Come July of 2024, we will officially be Missourians!

As it turned out, in a manner that is characteristically unsubtle, I'd been letting it slip for some time that I wanted to move - peeking at rentals in Saint Louis, talking about wanting to be closer to my Dad, noting the incredibly affordable cost of living. Especially in the last year, we've both found increasingly difficult to just exist. We were forced into moving because our old house in Fort Collins was getting too expensive, the rent having gone up by almost $200. In order to keep up with the cost of goods, we've had to make a host of lifestyle changes just to be able to afford our standard of living, which by most accounts is already incredibly frugal. We're not financially adventurous by any stretch of the imagination but even the mindfullness with which we spend our money hasn't been enough to live comfortably. We just want to live a simple, happy life. That's it. You know, do the Elder Millenial thing and settle down or something. 

So, after many hours of weighing options and talking about our shared goals, the plan was set and sixteen months stood between us and a new chapter. 

We're glad to be able to spend another year here because even if we were ready for the move (which we aren't for some fairly obvious reasons), I don't think we'd be ready to say goodbye to our lives here yet. Or maybe I'm projecting, who's to say? Colorado has where I've spent my entire life and though we have familial connections in Missouri, our slate will otherwise be wiped clean. Tom, in a lot of ways, has been my "first" of a lot of things. He was the first long-term partner I moved in with, the first who loved me back, the first to last longer than a year. The nice thing about being in a healthy relationship is that even though the idea of moving so far away from our immediate support system is kind of scary, I know that it'll be an incredible experience to do together. 

Fuck, I love him. 

Friends, wherever you are today, whatever you're doing, I hope you know that you are going to do great things. Also, you look great today. My goodness - check you out! Until next time.