Week Thirty-Seven: Navigating Self Love as a Fat Woman
I am fat. Now, I know what you're going to say "You're not fat, you're beautiful!".
Why is it that our social constructs dictate that body weight and beauty are directly tied? How did we reach this point?
Earlier this week, my dear friend Julia posted an article about the obesity epidemic in America and the ways in which a person's weight, most especially women, forces individuals to exist in the world in much different ways than those who are gifted enough to be traditionally beautiful or thin. Fat women don't get to behave in ways that thin women do. We have to be funny and also sincere. We also don't really get to be sexual because sleeping with a fat chick is only something people with fat fetishes do. Activities that are reserved for the thin and beautiful are perceived as gross and unseemly (honestly, when is the last time you saw a very overweight woman in a bikini?).
It's likely no secret that I've struggled with my weight my entire life. There are days where I'm looking at myself in the mirror, getting ready for work, and just dread what I see: the rolls on my stomach, the stretch marks on my arms, the way that my thighs and calves just seem to take up any attention on my legs. And then there are days where those things don't bother me because especially in my later twenties, I've adopted the "fake it 'til you make it" mentality of loving my own body. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
Throughout my life, I've trudged through the waters of trying to exude confidence and actually believe it because in my experience, unlike thin or acceptably proportionate individuals, fat women just don't get to exist. In the public's eyes, if my be-all-end-all goal is not to be celebrity thin and athletic and happy and successful, then I am probably a lazy slob. Everytime I eat out, there's I'm sure someone in the crowd, looking on and silently judging me for my food choices. Never mind the fact that I had a balanced meal for dinner the evening before or protein for breakfast. Or, if I had a dollar for everytime someone complimented me for working out, operating under the assumption that I was doing so to lose weight, I could probably stop working tomorrow and ride out the rest of my days fat on the laurels of society's expectations of me.
Here's the thing guys: yes, I am fat. I am also (mostly) happy. I like myself and I like my body. Sure, there are days where I wish my boobs were bigger and I had a smaller ass and I didn't get winded just thinking about the idea of hiking a fourteener, but I like where I am. I am comfortable.
There is, however, another component to this story. I also want to be healthy.
When it comes to health, there is a false perception that someone's weight and fat distribution is directly related to their overall health. While it is of course true that individuals who are overweight or obese have higher risk factors for things like heart or respiratory problems, a person's BMI isn't a fair indicator of how healthy they are. I feel healthy. My body doesn't have any recurring health issues that prevent me from participating in my own life.
So, how do I operate within these parameters? How do I continue to love the skin that I'm in while working towards the goal of being healthy? One of my goals in life is to live a long, long time and be the crazy dog lady that everyone in the neighborhood thinks is a witch and frankly, I just can't do that if I die young due to health problems.
I think the first step is choosing to be more active in whatever capacity that means. Most days, I lack the motivation to leave the house once I've made it home from work, too mentally drained to want to leave or put on athleisure clothes.
Earlier this week, I went to a roller derby informational night. While the cost to join is kind of steep (and I've been struggling enough with money as is!),would the expenditure be worth it to get myself active and doing something I know I would enjoy? And come on, who doesn't like seeing kickass women in an aggressive capacity that is normally seen as masculine? If I accomplish nothing else in life, I hope it's to buck the patriarchy in at least one small way.
Perhaps the answer lies in sucking it up and just doing it. Getting myself out of the house is more often than not my biggest struggle so how do I just get past that point? I'd love to be the kind of person who is up everyday at 5 AM to go run before getting ready for the day but I'm not. So, I have to learn to operate in a way that I know I'll actually be successful in.
Here's what I do know: I do enjoy working out when I get there. I like activities that are mentally engaging. I do better when I have other people in my corner to hold me accountable.
So, derby it is? I'll have to weigh the pros and cons of adding that monthly expense on top of the start-up costs (gear, WFTDA membership insurance and enrollment) but the idea of being a derby girl is awfully appealing. As someone who is naturally assertive, I feel this activity would be a good fit for me. We shall see though.
Until then, I will leave you with this: your body is beautiful because you are beautiful. The skin you're in is yours and yours alone and whatever way you exist in it is wonderful. I know it's hard to believe (trust me on this; I understand) but self love is a worthwhile cause. And just like the article that Jules posted, everything you think you know about weight is probably wrong so you might as well just enjoy your time here while you can.
Love to you, friends!
Why is it that our social constructs dictate that body weight and beauty are directly tied? How did we reach this point?
Earlier this week, my dear friend Julia posted an article about the obesity epidemic in America and the ways in which a person's weight, most especially women, forces individuals to exist in the world in much different ways than those who are gifted enough to be traditionally beautiful or thin. Fat women don't get to behave in ways that thin women do. We have to be funny and also sincere. We also don't really get to be sexual because sleeping with a fat chick is only something people with fat fetishes do. Activities that are reserved for the thin and beautiful are perceived as gross and unseemly (honestly, when is the last time you saw a very overweight woman in a bikini?).
It's likely no secret that I've struggled with my weight my entire life. There are days where I'm looking at myself in the mirror, getting ready for work, and just dread what I see: the rolls on my stomach, the stretch marks on my arms, the way that my thighs and calves just seem to take up any attention on my legs. And then there are days where those things don't bother me because especially in my later twenties, I've adopted the "fake it 'til you make it" mentality of loving my own body. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
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| This girl gets it. |
Throughout my life, I've trudged through the waters of trying to exude confidence and actually believe it because in my experience, unlike thin or acceptably proportionate individuals, fat women just don't get to exist. In the public's eyes, if my be-all-end-all goal is not to be celebrity thin and athletic and happy and successful, then I am probably a lazy slob. Everytime I eat out, there's I'm sure someone in the crowd, looking on and silently judging me for my food choices. Never mind the fact that I had a balanced meal for dinner the evening before or protein for breakfast. Or, if I had a dollar for everytime someone complimented me for working out, operating under the assumption that I was doing so to lose weight, I could probably stop working tomorrow and ride out the rest of my days fat on the laurels of society's expectations of me.
Here's the thing guys: yes, I am fat. I am also (mostly) happy. I like myself and I like my body. Sure, there are days where I wish my boobs were bigger and I had a smaller ass and I didn't get winded just thinking about the idea of hiking a fourteener, but I like where I am. I am comfortable.
There is, however, another component to this story. I also want to be healthy.
When it comes to health, there is a false perception that someone's weight and fat distribution is directly related to their overall health. While it is of course true that individuals who are overweight or obese have higher risk factors for things like heart or respiratory problems, a person's BMI isn't a fair indicator of how healthy they are. I feel healthy. My body doesn't have any recurring health issues that prevent me from participating in my own life.
So, how do I operate within these parameters? How do I continue to love the skin that I'm in while working towards the goal of being healthy? One of my goals in life is to live a long, long time and be the crazy dog lady that everyone in the neighborhood thinks is a witch and frankly, I just can't do that if I die young due to health problems.
I think the first step is choosing to be more active in whatever capacity that means. Most days, I lack the motivation to leave the house once I've made it home from work, too mentally drained to want to leave or put on athleisure clothes.
Earlier this week, I went to a roller derby informational night. While the cost to join is kind of steep (and I've been struggling enough with money as is!),would the expenditure be worth it to get myself active and doing something I know I would enjoy? And come on, who doesn't like seeing kickass women in an aggressive capacity that is normally seen as masculine? If I accomplish nothing else in life, I hope it's to buck the patriarchy in at least one small way.
Perhaps the answer lies in sucking it up and just doing it. Getting myself out of the house is more often than not my biggest struggle so how do I just get past that point? I'd love to be the kind of person who is up everyday at 5 AM to go run before getting ready for the day but I'm not. So, I have to learn to operate in a way that I know I'll actually be successful in.
Here's what I do know: I do enjoy working out when I get there. I like activities that are mentally engaging. I do better when I have other people in my corner to hold me accountable.
So, derby it is? I'll have to weigh the pros and cons of adding that monthly expense on top of the start-up costs (gear, WFTDA membership insurance and enrollment) but the idea of being a derby girl is awfully appealing. As someone who is naturally assertive, I feel this activity would be a good fit for me. We shall see though.
Until then, I will leave you with this: your body is beautiful because you are beautiful. The skin you're in is yours and yours alone and whatever way you exist in it is wonderful. I know it's hard to believe (trust me on this; I understand) but self love is a worthwhile cause. And just like the article that Jules posted, everything you think you know about weight is probably wrong so you might as well just enjoy your time here while you can.
Love to you, friends!
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