Week Thirty-Five: NSFW - Find the Hidden Story
I know, I know: it's been a while. Weeks, in fact. I would apologize for the lack of communication or the lack of dedication I have to keeping up with this blog but I won't do it. Life happens and I won't apologize for enjoying myself or taking time away or anything in between.
But what I will say is thank you for sticking with me and allowing me to have downtime when I needed it.
Now, moving on to the important stuff. We have so much to catch up on!
But wait! You're wondering "Where is the NSFW juicy bits (not safe for work for those out of the internet loop)?". You, my friends, will have to wait and see. Find the hidden link in this blog and I will take you through a journey...
First things first: about a month ago, I got a terrible haircut. Now, this isn't just your run-of-the-mill "Oh, it's not exactly what I asked for but it'll do". No, this was "I think I might cry because this is so far off the mark from what I asked for". And cry I did. Wailed big crocodile tears of feeling so much like a foreigner in my own skin. Who would do this to me? Why would someone butcher my beloved hair?
But eventually despair turns to acceptance which has finally turned into something resembling a taste for my new style. I will say that now that it's grown out some, I'm learning to love the cut more. Frankly, I think a pixie suits me more than I thought it would.
.
As I often do (and perhaps this is a measure of my penchant nature), I've been meditating on my relationships a lot lately. The only person who is ultimately responsible for your emotional well being is you. Recently, I was put in the position of feeling guilty for not telling someone what they wanted to hear immediately when they wanted to hear it, a behavioral pattern that I recognize stems from a lot of things but I have only experienced in the context of an emotionally abusive relationship before. This former friend of mine, who was in my life for roughly fifteen years, consistently used this tactic to make me feel like it was my job as her friend to make her feel validated, to feel loved, to feel important. And it's been my experience that those are the sort of things you do not our of obligation but out of desire to express love or in this case friendship towards someone else.
I will not make that mistake again. It took me years of dealing with own demons as a result of this persons abuse to re-learn new relational movements: how I relate to other people, how I operate within any kind of relationship, and how my identity exists outside of that dynamic.
It's also the case that much like my former friend of fifteen years (who, by the way is now married. What in the actual hell?! How is it that someone who spent more than half their life making me feel small and useless and ugly is now married? How is that fair? Universe, get your shit together), I don't think people realize what their own shortcomings are. I certainly don't see my own faults from time to time.
After having the privilege of confronting this person, I realized how clouded anger made my judgement; how quick anger leads me to irrational and short-sighted decisions. That particular day oh so many weeks ago, I was ready to pack up my things and leave, ready to sever another friendship for the sake of self preservation. And while in the moment, that felt absolutely right and necessary, worthwhile relationships take so much more work than that. It's worth it to fight and to argue and to work things out. I've always considered myself to be fairly good at communication but after I really spent some time going over the details, going through the motions in my head about how I would talk her into feeling guilty for putting me into a corner and making me feel small, I realized that I'm not great at communication: I'm great at words. It's easy to believe that you're good at communicating with other people when you have the verbal resources to whip someone into submission but that shouldn't be my goal. Love should be my goal.
I need to do better and I'm sorry if I haven't. Thank you for choosing to love me anyway even though I am sometimes sharp-tongued and crass and judgemental. Thank you for giving me that chance.
On another note, I knocked out another item from my list: take a boxing class! There's really not so much to say about this one other than ow, ow ow, why is my whole body sore? I just wanted to beat something up not actually do any cardio. 10/10 would highly recommend and do again.
Finally, I have two short stories to tell you before the next part, which will be occurring many, many hours from now (have you found the hidden link?).
One, I became an unexpected criminal a couple of weeks ago. The shortest version is that my dad came into town for a visit and while we were out and about thrift shopping, I accidentally took a pair of sunglasses without paying for them. The very next day, and I mean the very next day, I went back and apologized profusely for stealing a $2 piece of merchandise. Having never stolen anything before, I was wracked with unnecessary guilt. The shop owner just kind of laughed it off, which made my heavy conscience feel much, much lighter.
Two, Brett and I moved! As I've mentioned before, our old apartment was bought out and we decided rather than staying to try and find something new. Presently, I am sitting in our new living room across from a wood burning fireplace and a happy dog chewing blissfully away on her bone while listening to music while Brett cooks dinner. Life is good. I won't speak too much on our new place other than to say it's fantastic and spacious and has all of the perks that we both like (mostly a washer and dryer). At some point perhaps when I am fully unpacked and everything is decorated to the nines, I'll post pictures.
And that is all for this week. My brain is tired. My body is tired because of the second half of this story and I am so pleased to just be sitting at home relaxing with a clean dog, a clean me, and a quiet evening in. Love to you all.
But what I will say is thank you for sticking with me and allowing me to have downtime when I needed it.
Now, moving on to the important stuff. We have so much to catch up on!
But wait! You're wondering "Where is the NSFW juicy bits (not safe for work for those out of the internet loop)?". You, my friends, will have to wait and see. Find the hidden link in this blog and I will take you through a journey...
First things first: about a month ago, I got a terrible haircut. Now, this isn't just your run-of-the-mill "Oh, it's not exactly what I asked for but it'll do". No, this was "I think I might cry because this is so far off the mark from what I asked for". And cry I did. Wailed big crocodile tears of feeling so much like a foreigner in my own skin. Who would do this to me? Why would someone butcher my beloved hair?
But eventually despair turns to acceptance which has finally turned into something resembling a taste for my new style. I will say that now that it's grown out some, I'm learning to love the cut more. Frankly, I think a pixie suits me more than I thought it would.
.
 |
| Bored work selfie. |
I will not make that mistake again. It took me years of dealing with own demons as a result of this persons abuse to re-learn new relational movements: how I relate to other people, how I operate within any kind of relationship, and how my identity exists outside of that dynamic.
It's also the case that much like my former friend of fifteen years (who, by the way is now married. What in the actual hell?! How is it that someone who spent more than half their life making me feel small and useless and ugly is now married? How is that fair? Universe, get your shit together), I don't think people realize what their own shortcomings are. I certainly don't see my own faults from time to time.
After having the privilege of confronting this person, I realized how clouded anger made my judgement; how quick anger leads me to irrational and short-sighted decisions. That particular day oh so many weeks ago, I was ready to pack up my things and leave, ready to sever another friendship for the sake of self preservation. And while in the moment, that felt absolutely right and necessary, worthwhile relationships take so much more work than that. It's worth it to fight and to argue and to work things out. I've always considered myself to be fairly good at communication but after I really spent some time going over the details, going through the motions in my head about how I would talk her into feeling guilty for putting me into a corner and making me feel small, I realized that I'm not great at communication: I'm great at words. It's easy to believe that you're good at communicating with other people when you have the verbal resources to whip someone into submission but that shouldn't be my goal. Love should be my goal.
I need to do better and I'm sorry if I haven't. Thank you for choosing to love me anyway even though I am sometimes sharp-tongued and crass and judgemental. Thank you for giving me that chance.
On another note, I knocked out another item from my list: take a boxing class! There's really not so much to say about this one other than ow, ow ow, why is my whole body sore? I just wanted to beat something up not actually do any cardio. 10/10 would highly recommend and do again.
Finally, I have two short stories to tell you before the next part, which will be occurring many, many hours from now (have you found the hidden link?).
One, I became an unexpected criminal a couple of weeks ago. The shortest version is that my dad came into town for a visit and while we were out and about thrift shopping, I accidentally took a pair of sunglasses without paying for them. The very next day, and I mean the very next day, I went back and apologized profusely for stealing a $2 piece of merchandise. Having never stolen anything before, I was wracked with unnecessary guilt. The shop owner just kind of laughed it off, which made my heavy conscience feel much, much lighter.
Two, Brett and I moved! As I've mentioned before, our old apartment was bought out and we decided rather than staying to try and find something new. Presently, I am sitting in our new living room across from a wood burning fireplace and a happy dog chewing blissfully away on her bone while listening to music while Brett cooks dinner. Life is good. I won't speak too much on our new place other than to say it's fantastic and spacious and has all of the perks that we both like (mostly a washer and dryer). At some point perhaps when I am fully unpacked and everything is decorated to the nines, I'll post pictures.
And that is all for this week. My brain is tired. My body is tired because of the second half of this story and I am so pleased to just be sitting at home relaxing with a clean dog, a clean me, and a quiet evening in. Love to you all.
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