Week Two: Sour Birthday Lists
Yesterday was my birthday. I wish I could say that I was excited about the prospect of turning another year older, alight with the possibility of opportunity. But really? It went something like this:
"Oh, god. Another year older. Fuck me. Is there any coffee ready? Do I have to put on real pants? Maybe I should shower at some point. Nah. Dry shampoo for the win."
Really, I just wanted to lay in bed and watch Netflix all day. But, if I am anything, it is blessed with an abundant amount of friends and family to cheer me up especially when I feel as though I don't deserve it. That's the thing about depression. Rationally, I am fully aware that all of the things I am thinking about myself and about my life are the result of some kind of imbalance in my brain, that which renders me incapable of making sound decisions or doing anything productive. It's almost as if I'm in a kind of fog, navigating through the haze with the knowledge that yes, I am heading in some kind of direction but I don't actually know what that direction is.
Altogether, despite my sour mood, I was lucky enough to spend the majority of the day out of the house with family and friends eager to keep me in conversation and perhaps get me out of my own head. Earlier today, I was thinking about how different the stigma of mental illness has changed over the last twenty or so years. Yesterday, over coffee, I talked at length and openly with a dear friend of mine about how much I've been struggling just to act like a person lately--get out of bed, shower, feed myself, take care of my dog. Daily tasks seem to take an extraordinary amount of energy. Sometimes, it can feel debilitating. Sitting in bed, staring at the ceiling, wishing with all my might to do something but being unable to act. But despite all that, she met me with understanding and compassion. And sometimes, that's all it takes is one person to say "your feelings are valid and you are not a bad person". If nothing else, feeling validated in my struggle to keep my life together made me feel slightly less alone.
Moving on!
One of my best friends and her husband came over to the house yesterday both to see me since I am back in Colorado and to exchange late Christmas presents. The great thing about having a best friend like her is that I am never afraid to say exactly what I mean, exactly how I feel without fear of judgement or recourse. Lauren has consistently been my rock, the pillar on whom I have relied on a million times when I didn't feel like I was enough. She's been especially gracious lately, managing my terrible attitude and poor outlook with love and encouragement. One thing though stuck with me in our conversation. While the white hot tears of frustration, shame, and regret came tumbling down my reddened cheeks, she said something along the lines of "fearing that I would fail" in my epic quest to find fulfillment in Washington. That hit me hard. And it's not because she didn't believe in my ability to succeed; there are very few things that I've put my mind to that I didn't do well in. No, it's because I think she saw what I didn't see: Washington was going to chew me up and spit me out. I was not prepared for living there. Sure, I had the money and the drive to make it work but I wasn't prepared. On top of the hurdles I had after immediately moving, she had the grander sense that I dd not: it wasn't going to work. Simple as that.
It's been my experience that even when all of the cards are apparently in your favor, another hand can still come along and take the whole pot. That's life.
On another, much happier note, Casey Sue and I managed to finish our collective "30 Before 30" lists below and I'm pleased to say that I think most of these will be definitely attainable! There are definitely a handful of items on the list that will take some pushing to accomplish but so far, this experience of having to come back to Colorado has reassured me that I have cheerleaders in my corner.
Officially, I started the keto diet yesterday and am already struggle busing. Having never pursued any kind of diet, I expected that changing my eating habits would take some time. I've already learned that I consume way too much bread and added sugar. It's also been the case that a lot of the "healthy" foods I normally consume are counter productive on this regimen (e.g. bananas). To counter act some of these hurdles, I've started following a handful of keto blogs and threads from Reddit.
"Oh, god. Another year older. Fuck me. Is there any coffee ready? Do I have to put on real pants? Maybe I should shower at some point. Nah. Dry shampoo for the win."
Really, I just wanted to lay in bed and watch Netflix all day. But, if I am anything, it is blessed with an abundant amount of friends and family to cheer me up especially when I feel as though I don't deserve it. That's the thing about depression. Rationally, I am fully aware that all of the things I am thinking about myself and about my life are the result of some kind of imbalance in my brain, that which renders me incapable of making sound decisions or doing anything productive. It's almost as if I'm in a kind of fog, navigating through the haze with the knowledge that yes, I am heading in some kind of direction but I don't actually know what that direction is.
Altogether, despite my sour mood, I was lucky enough to spend the majority of the day out of the house with family and friends eager to keep me in conversation and perhaps get me out of my own head. Earlier today, I was thinking about how different the stigma of mental illness has changed over the last twenty or so years. Yesterday, over coffee, I talked at length and openly with a dear friend of mine about how much I've been struggling just to act like a person lately--get out of bed, shower, feed myself, take care of my dog. Daily tasks seem to take an extraordinary amount of energy. Sometimes, it can feel debilitating. Sitting in bed, staring at the ceiling, wishing with all my might to do something but being unable to act. But despite all that, she met me with understanding and compassion. And sometimes, that's all it takes is one person to say "your feelings are valid and you are not a bad person". If nothing else, feeling validated in my struggle to keep my life together made me feel slightly less alone.
Moving on!
One of my best friends and her husband came over to the house yesterday both to see me since I am back in Colorado and to exchange late Christmas presents. The great thing about having a best friend like her is that I am never afraid to say exactly what I mean, exactly how I feel without fear of judgement or recourse. Lauren has consistently been my rock, the pillar on whom I have relied on a million times when I didn't feel like I was enough. She's been especially gracious lately, managing my terrible attitude and poor outlook with love and encouragement. One thing though stuck with me in our conversation. While the white hot tears of frustration, shame, and regret came tumbling down my reddened cheeks, she said something along the lines of "fearing that I would fail" in my epic quest to find fulfillment in Washington. That hit me hard. And it's not because she didn't believe in my ability to succeed; there are very few things that I've put my mind to that I didn't do well in. No, it's because I think she saw what I didn't see: Washington was going to chew me up and spit me out. I was not prepared for living there. Sure, I had the money and the drive to make it work but I wasn't prepared. On top of the hurdles I had after immediately moving, she had the grander sense that I dd not: it wasn't going to work. Simple as that.
It's been my experience that even when all of the cards are apparently in your favor, another hand can still come along and take the whole pot. That's life.
On another, much happier note, Casey Sue and I managed to finish our collective "30 Before 30" lists below and I'm pleased to say that I think most of these will be definitely attainable! There are definitely a handful of items on the list that will take some pushing to accomplish but so far, this experience of having to come back to Colorado has reassured me that I have cheerleaders in my corner.
Officially, I started the keto diet yesterday and am already struggle busing. Having never pursued any kind of diet, I expected that changing my eating habits would take some time. I've already learned that I consume way too much bread and added sugar. It's also been the case that a lot of the "healthy" foods I normally consume are counter productive on this regimen (e.g. bananas). To counter act some of these hurdles, I've started following a handful of keto blogs and threads from Reddit.
From the list, I also managed to figure out my first book of the new year, "Julie & Julia"! Admittedly, I decided on this book because one) I've seen the movie and loved it and two) it called to me at the thrift store when I was buying a laundry hamper. How could I pass it up when it was only fifty cents?
Until next week, beautiful people!
Until next week, beautiful people!
30 Before 30
* Shared goals with Casey Sue
Take a pole dancing class- Learn how to knit and make one complete knitted item
- Take a sewing class
- Draft a dress/outfit for my thirtieth birthday
- Pay down 10% of my total debt
- Run a 5K*
- Post one picture a week of my life to social media (it can't be of my dog!)
- Refinish a piece of furniture
- Attend a dance event*
- Watch all of the Star Wars movies
- Read 12 new books*
Stick to a Keto dietI'm considering this one completed because I gave myself no time frame!- Do some form of physical activity at least twice a week
- Blog once weekly
- Make my own oboe reeds
- Invest in quality lingerie
- Redo and downsize wardrobe
- Put four digits in my checking & accounts*
- Get another tattoo
- Donate to a charitable cause*
- Do something for someone that they can't do for themselves -- Suggested by Arriana
- See something that I've never seen before -- Suggested by Heather *
- Finish my book -- Suggested by Teyana
- Volunteer at the food bank*
- Learn how to juggle
- Pose for an art class*
Date someone newTake a boxing class- Make an effort to dress up when going out in public*
- Go to an opera
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